Have you ever ...

Dear diary,

this morning I woke up n i just got the urge to write this...

Have you ever...

Have you ever wonder how it feels to be alone?
The feeling of nobody understands you.
The feeling of nobody cares for you.
And you don't know why are you here.

Have you ever sat down and your tears just flow?
The feeling of nobody is around you.
The feeling of being outcast by the world.
And you don't know why are you crying.

Have you ever shout at someone whom didn't anger you?
The feeling of people questioning you.
The feeling of people not trusting you.
And you don't know the reason behind.

Have you ever feel like escaping?
The feeling of being a carefree bird.
The feeling of being whom you want.
And you don't know how to realize it.

adeline
10.05a.m.
31-05-2005

In life, we encounter so many so many feelings that at times, we just didn't know how to react to them neither do we know why do we have this feeling. I think that is what makes human being special from all other livings things...

SuMmEr SeAsOnS

Dear diary,

It's the beginning of the summer seasons.. n we are supposed to be having fun in the beach or out there in town for the great singapore sales... but things just weren't mean that way for my schoolmates n mi ba. It is exactly 3 weeks away from mid year exams. I studies econ - banking and monetary . still halfway through cos i'm taking my time. so far i only remember the motives for demanding money . quite happy le.. cos at least i started. hmm.. this week, i'm gonna pick a day out to watch movie, go town n nowadays i got the urge to have another new ear hole.. (opps, m a bad gal)this friday, i'm already booked to go for a bbq so is either tml or thursday. hmm i hate going school during holidays , y can't we have our own free time! what's worst is how can they place mid year exams during june holidays? hai~..next week have to go back school! recently, i just had a haircut n i quite like it cos it makes my hair very light. Last friday, we end school at 11.30 den zhanyu bring mi out of school though it's against the school rule where we can only step out of school at 1pm. It was my first time, so i was really very scare n borrow early leave form from junyang.. When the uncle ask mi, i just show him the form .. whew, my heart was beating very fast. Hmmm.. went to far east wif mum n dad to cut my hair. the hairdresser's hair very cool! I din tell him how i wan my hair to be den he just cut n it looks nice. it's step-layer. mum saw n she says she also wanna cut. my dad was becoming very impatiet cos both of us took 2 hrs plus to had our hair cut done. i walked round far east n saw some stuffs i wanna buy but dare not ask cos dad looks rather unhappy. saw a pair of slippers for 19.90 n a top for 20+. I'm waiting for melissa to see when she free den can go n shop. yesterday had my tennis training n after palying for 45 minutes, i felt like fainting just like the other day. think i'm under the sun too long. Feels nice to pay with the new string though sometimes the sound it make sounds awful! the rest of today i will be watching tennis le. it's the tennis season! so many good n young players this french open.. got one is as young as 15 n what's cooler is tt she beats serena william! haha.. good job!! wanna see who's winning this french open think maria got a high chance as usual. russians girls are just damn good .. so many of them in the top 16.

@de|ine=> resting

Hell of a 'nice' world!

Sitting right here, my mind is so BLANK
I hate myself for being who i m right NOW
I'm not who I used to be.
Someone i DUN even wanna become...

Everytime i tried to turn around i FAILED!
All i could do is to ask WHY?
At times i just FELL down n let my TEARS flow
There isn't any STRENGTH for me to walk on

I felt so USELESS
dISAPPOINMENT goes n comes again
Each time i had to face the STORMY day
I tried to ESCAPE

When i'm all ALONE, all i do is to go to my DREAMLAND
Cos i know, that's where i wanna GO
But i know if this continue, I'll be SUFFERING all my life
Yet i can't bring myself to CHANGE it

One point of my life, i felt my fren dun TRUST me
I remember her WORDS that day.
It SADENED me but i didn't mentioned anything
Back on my bed, i thought if she was really the one i'm LOOKING for

If our FRIENDSHIP has come to a point where TRUST DOES NOT exist,
I would choose to gave up EVERYTHING including you
Cos I wouldn't want myself to get HURT again - EVER.
Ur one sentence change my THOUGHTS everytime i see u

Sometimes, i WONDER if u believe what i said
Or was it something that u just accept n said another about it
I DUNNO...
Cos all i could SENSE is the trust has gone eversince that day

Perhaps there ISN'T a real friend in this world
Everyone just wear a MASK
If so, WHY let each other to be met?
Even after meeting, someday the mask will DISAPPEAR
Soon, u'll realise that everything was just a LIE

A LIE! After so much we have gone through, it all turn out to be just a drama
Reality comes by, once again u r left alone facing the HARSH world
As much as i wanna run away, i couldn't
Only when i STOPPED breathing, i can really enter my DREAMLAND forever.

I wanna be ALONE! Leave me in my world of IMAGINATIVE friends. the ones i REALLY yearn for ... I HATE this world.. wishing i was NEVER even born!

A touching book

Dear diary,

Good morning! It's now 10.07am n i woke up about half an hour ago. had a fitfull sleep yesterday cos i slept at 10am. Pig rite? but i was tired... school ended early at 10 den once i reached home, i rested for a while den went to the hair salon. Yupz.. when i came home, i met ee mei n yuan xun. eh.. thot i was rather rude cos i like want to rush home so nv talk alot to them... yesterday was yuan xun b'day so ya.. once again happy 18th birthday! At around 5pm, i went out with my sister cynthia to city link n suntec just to walk walk lor but she looked so sleepy den like not very fun. anyway, saw some nice stuffs.. quite conteented le cos i haven't been going to town for a long time. I never buy anything eh.. haha. MiracLE.. Hmm.. this week is coming to an end soon. During one of day in this week, i was reading a book 'A Child name 'IT'' It was a nice n rather saddening book.. i took it out n read cos nothing to do .. but before i knew it, i was crying like river flowing down my cheeks. So sad.. just felt like killing the mother so as to end his horrifying life with all sorts of sufferings.. This is a true story n i can't imgine if i were the boy, how i able to take it? I think i would have just kill myself... So far, this is the only book that make me cries throughout the whole story like every a few minutes. Today. ee mei is celebrating her 18th b'day but i cannot go cos got math tuition which ended at 7.30pm. ya lor.. den i think by the time i reach there it's so late le. Hopefully, u have a great day ya? Actually felt like going cos all my secondary schools mates all there... hai~ Alright.. needa get the day started by eating my breakfast! tata

@de|ine=> afresh!

Hope i'm fine

Dear diary,

argh.. just now type halfway den hand itchy go n click on else thing! Was saying tt i haven been blogging for like 13 days le. Hmm.. this 2 weeks have been studying cos of common test but i didn't do well sob sob. Well, life is full of up n down , i haven gotten over it le. Last thursday, i pon yoga den go shopping with meli at log 1 to buy present for yvette n wenli. we walk for a long time den cannot find till we went to more than words. Wah.. i must say meli is a great shopper . she grabs thing as if it is free wor. Haha.. we manage to bought their gifts den i walk to one of the shops we went in just now to buy my favourite collection - earrings . whaha.. it's cheap la so i buy hee. i gave meli one . hte next day she wore it but teacher says cannot. den sun had my usual training but what is special is that i broke my string... after playing so long finally i broke it yea so happy! haha.. think others will think i'm mad but it's a good sign!~ Den monday we got release early.. slacker ms yamuna lol. but continue to do so! K... back to today, i had my guitar lesson den we r learning on two songs.. qing fei de yi n guan huai fang shi. I think guan huai fang shi easier but still my fingers r hurting... ouch. Wonder when den can i play the song fast enough... alright enough for today le.. i wanna do watch tv den maybe later go try out my guitar again.. den see needa do econ anot. hope i dun need to den today can slack whaha.. this week i'm a big time slacker cos usually i'm just a slacker. haha.. lame. tml got tennis wif mum... n yoga in sch (bore)

@de|ine=> i'm happy

When will i be motivated? continuation...

Dear diary,

I'm continuing what happen during my long weekend. On monday, i woke up at about 9 plus so thati can study economics. But this alway happen... during the public holidays n weekends, my sisters whom i'm saring room with always wake up very late. Then i cannot study lor cos if i switch on the light den they wil complain , also i need to turn on the music to study. Thot i can study outside but dad is using the computer n turning on his music till so loud. I was quite angry then cos this house does not provide a good environment den no one cares about you la. I went into my room, pack my bag n went out of the house. I went to delifrance at anchorpoint , bought ice mocha n sat down . Thoughts running through my mind.. really thought og leaving the house after what have happen. It may be a small thing but at that point of time, i couldn't help it but thinking that it doesn't matter if i'm part of the family anot.

The econ test was ok but i dunno if i can pass it cos case study is so tough la. been having the urge to play tennis today so i sms my mum during econ to ask her book tennis court tmr. I totally forget that friday got chem test la but nvm .. i miss playing tennis.
Had my guitar lessonm today.. i finally learn how to play some chords hmm : C, D Em , G.. but my fingers are hurting le. sob sob.. painful~ must have determination!

@de|ine=> wanna slack!

When will i be motivated?

Dear diary,

Had my economics common test n chemistry class test today... My long weekend has just ended but i didn't enjoyed it at all. I started to read econ on saturday for the whole morning n i was really very frustated cos i could not figure a single thing out! After reading topic 3 - national in come accounting, i sat down at my bed. I just felt like crying. Questions flooded my head making me dizzy that i just wanna faint. I asked myself if i were so stupid n brainless that i could not even know what i'm reading? Was it my fault that i'm in this state.. hai~ perhaps ba.. if only i had not choose this subject den things might not be as bad. After being angry with myself, i had no choice but to turn to my friends.. looking through my hp contacts, i called cheryl. Den ask her if sunday she is free to study together den she can teach mi.. luckily she agreed! thanks alot cheryl.
On sunday, i went for tennis training without breakfast... Michelle wanna study chemistry so cannot make it for tennis training so i was alone.. i must say that training alone is tough n tiring. near to the end of the training, i was like so wobbly n my sight seems to be blurrin g so i have to ask my coach to stop. Most likely is due to me not have my breakfast.. thanks to guanghui having that muffin with him . haha. i ate half of it n felt much better. Went off to macdonald to meet cheryl .. den we ate n started studying at 11.30 till 5.30. I began to understand abit more n was rather happy although haven i memorise my facts. We did slack for like an hour n a half , went to boon lay shopping to buy kinder also we share filet meal at about 3 plus. Cheryl was sick den she brought a 1.5L of water to mac. lol.. i would not dare to bring it cos like very funny but after seeing her doing that.. next time if i'm not feeling well, i might do that too. That night, i was in my aunt house cos they are celebrating early mother's day. Didn't wanna go cos i hot study for my test more important but i went cos mum was not happy about it. As expected, going there is a waste of my time . But i chatted with my cousins who are 23 n 22 years old .. they used to be in jjc too. Talking to them make me feel that i'm going to flunk my A Levels... It was 11.30pm n i wanted to go home le so that i can study so went to hurry my parents but they drag till 1.30 lo. argh.. sometimes they just dun understand our thinking. At that point of time, i felt like 'scolding' them... telling them if i were to fail my grades is not my fault but theirs! of cos i didn't, if i were to say that i will regret in the future..so better not be rash. think i stop here n continue another day.. the long weekend just wasn't good at all.. so many thoughts n things happening.. i wish i m alone at times.

@de|ine=> tired but still hanging on..