Gloomy Day

28th Feb'06

Dear diary,
It's jus a day before i reached my doom day. My blood is gushing out every now and then... nothing can stop me from worrying. Don't really know if I had really given out everything in the past 2 years but i know.. for the last 6 months. Things wasn't easy for me. Since june holiday, i spend every single day studying though there are days i really wanna give up. Still i struggle myself through hoping someday something will prove to me all i did is worthwhile. Showing mi that giving up is the last resort i should take. Coping in the library from morning to night is like such a pleasure and kinda routine for mi. Every night walking pass NTUC, queenstown MRT station, Queens condo, the hawker centre , shell and caltex station to my house gate. This short distance of 15 minutes walk everyday helps to keep my memory alive. Recap what i have been doing on the day itself. I dunno what other people might say but i know how much i wanted to do well in this exam. Perhaps to others, this 6 months is not enough to do well but to me, i really give in all i have. Days when I just couldn't sleep cos i felt guilty of not studying enough thus, spend my night studying without a wink of sleep. Stress something i can never cope with yet i have to face it more than often from family, friends n definitely from myself. Can't imagine what i will do if i didn't do well. For all i know, i already screw up my gp paper which is like drawing the death sentence. Though i know i already did badly but somehow i feel that i will still cry if i fail my gp just like what i did after that horrible paper 1. Tomorrow thing isn't all about mi but my parents. I really dun wanna disappoint them but after my papers, i felt like it doesn't matter if i disappoint them cos i already did. ( just did't mention anythingy) Perhaps exam luck is just not with me everytime. From PSLE to O level n now to A level. Hurdle after hurdle... i nv get to where i wanna go. For me, crying is the only way i make myself feel better. The 2 weeks of A level, my family and friends saw how much tears coming from me. That kind of feeling nobody will wanna experience. It's so painful yet u feel so helpless. It's like standing in the court waiting to be sentence.. regret over what u have done. U wish u can turn back time. 'If' always appear at this moment of time... A level is a nightmare, yes i do agree. Suddenly everything seems so clear to me. How i couldn't get to sleep the day before chem paper 3. How i felt when i couldn't solve the math questions which i could while revising. How many times i asked myself is this the answer for that particular econ question n yet i still got it wrong. How i panic during my econ paper 1 and gp paper 1. Gosh... i must have did damn badly after this reflection. I wanna go have a break tonight... anywhere to keep this out of my mind. Anyone happens to read this, if u have the same feeling, u r not alone. Where can i go, who can i go with? Feel like running away to heaven to tell them to stop the time. I dun wan tomorrow to come. Hoping something will happen to me den i wun be able to know what happen tmr. Shall off my hp tmr cos no matter how many good luck n all the best u receive doesn't not make a difference.
All of a sudden, someone just came popping along my mind that is u- my hao jie mei ( if u know who u r) U r working right now haha. This 'holiday' i'm thankful to have u accompanying me. Been going out with you n really enjoy those times though we spend money like it's free. But happy is all i need n i've got it. Ya, indeed we've spent endless hours engaged in conversation about ' nothing' and ' everything' n I wouldn't trade those times for anything in the world. U rawk gal! Love ya lots =)


After the talk to a friend yesterday night, I felt that i did not do a great job at work. I kinda dislike my character sometimes, m i too easy going? I just wanna be nice to everyone i meet... but in reality, everyone says the working world is cruel. People just say things u dun wanna hear. Being good is also a crime.. zhuo ren hen xi ku eh. The standard advice is always ' ignore what other people say' Is not easy... that y certain things the more u dun know the better it is for you. Sometimes i really wanna ask people around mi their point of view about me to find out more about me. Do i really know myself that well? i *ponder*

Yesterday, went to watch basketball match at the old smu with denis. qwss against ntss... hmm qwss lost. Wanted to go over to tell them dun be upset but i thought about it, it's better to not say anything. Cos i know how it feels after u lost in a competition n no matter what others say u wun listen. U only know that it's finished, wanna be alone that's all. So i left quietly with denis, we went to marina square to watched - rumour has it. The show is nice. omg, jennifer aniston has a fabulous figure la. I love her hair! so straight, silky n nice! Hmm there are some parts where there are tears welled up. What makes mi flustered is my coughing! Cannot really concentrate cos i keep coughing, feel quite bu hao yi shi cos in the cinema.. cuz i so noisy. I like the last part.. thumbs up ")

@deine =>
I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways