Pre natal depression is real

Not too sure where to begin this post with... Been almost 3 years.
We have moved to our new place at Senja in Jun 2015. It's a lovely home of ours where we spend around $80k on everything in the house... happy to stay in this spacious abode with our private life. In November 2015, dear and I did a crazy thing to travel around UK and Europe. Something that I have been wanting to do it since young but never know that it was be done. It was an amazing two months traveling over 10 countries to 24 cities in 62 days. Arriving in London -> Scotland -> Netherlands -> Belgium -> Germany -> Czech Republic -> Vienna -> Italy -> Switzerland -> France and back to London.
Nothing short of fun, exploration , risks and adventures that stays in my memories for life. Hoping to do this again in the future after little one comes along.

It has been a roller coaster ride ever since I found out I am expecting this little one in March. Easily could have been a year where I cried the most, puke the most and having all kinds of unexpected incidents... hospitalized and having to go on drip twice. Facing the reality that I actually am having pre natal depression which was excruciating as I couldn't control my emotions. The number of times I wanna end this little life in me silently. This experience has been traumatic for me that I even wish to go through... probably this post will serve a reminder the next time he asks for no. 2. Couldn't imagine going through one more time. So it started when I missed my period and I instinctively knew it gonna be it. Refusing to test.. I waited and waited as I was having almost 2 weeks of cramp thinking my period is gonna come. Missed... late for 3-4 days, decided to test. Tested the first kit and within seconds, I thought thank god.. no double lines so I went to shower. Told dear to check it again and he said it shows two lines, I could feel the blood within gushing... praying that it was spoil, it didn't happen. I am not expecting... after I showered, I rush over and took a second look. There was a faint second line. I stared at it for a few seconds, tears well up and next moment... i was sitting on the floor crying. I couldn't express how upset I was and no it wasn't that I don't love kids. I just didn't want to get preg all along, taking care of a kid, raising a kid mean so much more responsibility that I am not ready for this at all. The fear of giving birth and the difficulties of being preg was in my mind. Never had I thought this will happen. It took my weeks to get over and things got worst during the same week, I had bleeding in week 5. While driving to the gynae, I cried again.... my thoughts were - Could it be I didn't want the kid and God decided that I was not ready so he is gonna take it away. Again, I was held with mixed feelings, I said to myself that I didn't mean it.. and I am scare if it is gonna happen. After the check, everything was fine after medication and bed rest.

The thoughts of getting rid didn't stop time and time again, there were times.. I called my sister, dear crying uncontrollably over the phone that I didn't want this. I couldn't write in words how disappointed I am to allow this to happen. Week 6, it got worst as the morning sickness kicks in. None of my friends whom I know go through this as bad as I did. Days when I eat and throw up 8-10 times a day. I was feeling all so depressed, lost ... I have phobia of eating. I didn't even know what I can eat. Not even a cup of milo.. even a few mouthful of rice turns me off. I'm so tired. I want to give up so badly. Everyone who knows told me that after first trimester, I will be better.. I was looking forward to second trimester. Hanging in strong, my body gave way in every means it could. I fell sick, I was having cramps, muscle aches, sleepless night, throwing up never stop and it was at its peak in week 12. I decided that's it, my body is not even absorbing water. Went to KKH the whole day for drip. I was taking medication every other day for anti nauseous.. it works at times but not always. Still went ahead to BKK with drowsy medication and we didn't even explore the place, mainly spending my days sleeping. I thought I was better as I only threw up thrice in that 4 days. Every week, I look forward to being better but it failed my expectations.

Week 20 - 18th July 2016. I was feeling dizzy in the living room. Went to my bedroom to lie down and I felt nauseous. Rush to threw up and back to bed, called dear to tell him that I wasn't feeling well. As I was talking to him, I felt breathless , trying to catch my breath. I had pins and needles in my hands and legs... I am scared. Feeling conscious, I called in to take off from work. Called the gynae nurse if I need to see the doc, she said she will call me back in a while. After putting off the phone calls, I threw up again. This time, I sat on the washroom floor, knowing that I am gonna throw up again later, I waited.. I cried, shivered, feeling dizzy, lightheaded... the phone rang, it was the nurse... I knew she was trying to tell me something but I couldn't reply. I was catching for breath... My body gave way and I found myself lying on the floor hyperventilating. I saw strain of blood. just a tiny one.. I panic. I cannot control my body, thank god for the nurse who talked me throughout at least for 15 minutes. I felt much better and was told to get myself a sugary drink because I have thew up everything. Walked to the fridge, grab a ribena, sat on the dining table. I was worried to be alone, decided to call my mum. Couldn't help myself but tear again as I talked to her, my legs were numb.. she told me to sit on the floor and stretch. I did as instructed, threw up all the ribena on the floor as I struggle to walk to the washroom this time round. The second time it happened, dear reached home. He face was as white as a paper while I threw up red stuff all over. He paused and waited to ask what did I eat.. as i replied - Ribena. He heaved a sign of relief. Carried me back to the bed, cleared the mess... light lunch and off to the gyne again. Having high blood pressure, I was told to rest.
On Wednesday, as we were walking back home from carpark to the lift. I felt lightheaded again, sat down on the void deck and lie down shortly. I couldn't move. Rested a while and make our way home shortly with his help.
Thursday - we had our detailed scan and gynae appointment. I was vomiting again that morning. During the doctor appointment, I lose my emotions as she asked if there were any other external factors causing what I was having. I broke down... I have been having thoughts to take her away. I am feeling depressed, I have no idea who can take care of my kid when she is out. My parents didn't want to commit... neither do my in laws. I am so stuck... I'm not someone who plan things last minute. I cannot. I worry over finances, I worry over every little thing you can think of. She decided to admit me in the hospital for drip as well, recommended to see a counselor. I didn't opt for that in the end as dear and the doc had a separate discussion , decided though it was good... the decision lies with us. I didn't want to spend that extra money again on this.. telling myself to be strong for all of us. It was a struggle for me. In the middle of night, I found myself tearing unknowingly. I hated myself for allowing this to happen and to feel this way. I felt guilty for spending so much on this and to take him away from work on and off to company me. I am lost. It's week 22 now, I'm having hospitalization leave as hyperventilation cannot be prevented and I needed the body to rest. I cannot walk for every step I take, is a pain around my pelvis area. I cannot even stand on one leg to wear pants. It is torture...

I wish time can fast forward to Dec yet I am worried when it happens, things will be worst as I will feel that I am losing my freedom. I will be losing all that I want to do.... Still a few more months, I only wish that I can better every single day.  Not sharing on media or people whom i hardly meet on this news as I needed space to be alone.